Well, according to some (us), we are a bunch of free spirited young(ish) chaps who, finding ourselves frustrated with the pace of daily life and lack of adventure in the East Midlands, have decided to swap our mundane lives for a week of carefree existence with the wind in our hair and the sun on our back in the south west USA.
When I say “carefree existence”, clearly we are staying in 5 star hotels, which are all pre-booked and pre-paid, and for which we have double checked the confirmations just in case there has been some mistake and we have to rough it! We have checked, and double checked the route at least 50 times in the last 8 months, and now know to within about 25 yards exactly how far we will be travelling, how much petrol we will be using, what the average price of petrol in California is (and what it has been for the last 18 months) … well, one can never be too careful.
Others, who might be slightly less excited by our trip (e.g. the Mild Hogs WAG’s, or at least one of them), have been slightly less generous by claiming that we are “a bunch of middle aged, grumpy old men experiencing a mid life crisis, and who really need to sort their lives out”.
I will let you, dear reader, decide whose description you think is the more accurate!
So, anyway, on to the introductions!
The self styled leader of the Mild Hogs, Boss Hogg, aged 54, is an Account Manager for a smallish software company based in the North West of England. This is a slightly unusual circumstance given that Boss lives in the East Midlands, but one with which he is soooooooooooooo happy given that it beings him closer to his beloved Red Sox United – yes that’s right folks, Boss Hogg is a cockney, me oul china, nuff said.
Being a cockney, Boss has often been heard to say “I’m orf up the apples and pears to the boss hogg for an eartha kitt – cor blimey – luv a duck – hope me chalfonts don’t give me gyp”. Well, if anyone has a scooby doo what the donald duck he is on about, could they please let the rest of us know, on a post card, to Mild Hogs c/o USA.
Rather amusingly, Boss is currently trying to grow a beard for the trip – his fellow Hogs think that he sees himself as a bit of a Paul Teutel Sr. (star of American Chopper), but unfortunately we just think it makes him look like a bit of a thrupenny!
Mind you, to be fair to Boss, the weeks immediately before the tour have not exactly been kind to him. Firstly, he has had the ongoing issues with his beard, and more recently, he has had to change his helmet to the next size up after finally being forced to admit that he has a big loaf (of bread, just in case you where wondering).
However, without doubt, the most traumatic thing that has happened to him is the minor toothache that occurred on his family holiday, but which, in true Boss style, has turned into an ordeal of epic proportions. To cut a very very very long story short, Boss had to have the offending tooth removed last Friday (thus explaining the strange howling noise heard across most of the UK), and he has decided to bury it at the base of the Grand Canyon during our trip there on day three (nice touch).
However, there are no actions without consequences, and I’m sure that I am not the only one who can imagine the bafflement within the worlds scientific community in a few millennia time when Dr Stephen Hawking (the 92nd) stands up to proclaim that he has solved the question of the answer to life, the universe and everything, just as his assistant runs into the room shouting “ … yes, but Steveo … what about this babe ruth we’ve just found at the bottom of the Grand Canyon ???”
Boss, himself is more worried about how the tooth fairy will know where to leave the money !!
Hopefully we will be able to video this moving little ceremony, and we’ll endeavour to post this on the blog soon after the event so that you all can share in such a poignant moment.
Ginger Hogg (Alan Rich)
Mind you, even though you do have a slightly, shall we say “unusual”, name, it could be much worse. For example your parents might have had a real sense of humour like Gary and Phil Neville’s grandparents who called their first born Neville, or Mr and Mrs Dover, who settled on the names Ben and Eileen for their twins. What on earth where Mr and Mrs Hind thinking about when they called their son Herbie, and quite frankly, if Phil Oakey’s sister, Carrie, took a slow and painful revenge on her parents, who could blame her? (OK – I made that last one up).
Anyway, back to “our” Ginger, who is also an Account Manager, but this time for a bigger and vastly superior software company based in the East Midlands. Ginger is well known for his exploits in goal at Monday night football, and for his obsession for buying sunglasses. He also has a tendency to smooth talk Harley Davidson salesmen into letting him take any number of “hogs” out for a test ride, and then showing no compunction whatsoever when explaining in detail why that particular model isn’t the bike for him. (Maybe because you never had an intention to buy one, eh big man?)
Ginger is one of the main reasons that this particular trip is happening as he is due a significant birthday next year – I can’t say what it is, but let’s just say he is an “L” of a guy!
In terms of the trip, Ginger is definitely going for the “style over substance” approach, so much so that he has been spending many a happy hour wondering about how he could reduce the amount of luggage he will have to carry on his bike because “having a big bag on the back will spoil the look”! The latest, thankfully rejected, approach was to parcel up the clothes he would need for a given day (socks, pants and t-shirt), and post them to the hotel in which we would be staying on each night, to be collected on arrival. Genius !
However, this has been rejected in favour of buying a drawer full of new of the aforementioned articles, thus allowing him to take “the ones that he has been wearing for the last 8 years, and dispose of them after one final use” … and the Americans thought Three Mile Island was bad.
Unfortunately space prevents me from saying much more about Ginger, other than the rest of us are waiting with bated breath until the time he utters the immortal comment – “Look lads – there's bears in the air”
Daddy Hogg (Geoff Fisher)
Daddy Hogg, 72, so called because he is Steve’s father, is the sensible one of the group.
This became obvious when, whenever us “pup hogs” were getting excited about blowing a few dollars in a Vegas casino, or visiting O’Reilly’s Bar in San Francisco (an Irish bar with an Indian restaurant in the middle – what genius thought of that?), Daddy was busy badgering us about getting the right travel insurance, telling us make sure that we eat and drink regularly as we ride through Death Valley, and reminding us to clean our teeth at night.
His most recent “sensible utterance”, this time with regard to DVT, is that he has bought a pair of flight socks …… take a walk on the wild side – eh?
Daddy is a Project Manager at that bigger and superior software company in the East Midlands but lives “ooop north”. We believe that in Daddy’s case, the reason to do with the distance between his home and work is more to do with a restraining order than a football team, but whatever the reason, Virgin Atlantic have been warned that a northerner is booked on one of their flights, and as a result have brought in extra security staff to check for things like pigeons, whippets, prize marrows off’t allotment, ‘ovis, cloth caps etc. The new “X-ray” machines at Heathrow have also been specially modified to detect “Geoffrey Boycott is a God” tattoos.
Given that his day job is that of a Project Manager, he was given absolutely no role in the planning of this trip, the reason being that we wanted the trip to last 10 days and come in close to budget (ahem!) … not 800 days with a completion date in September …… 2015.
Daddy is probably the only real biker amongst us, as he proved by riding his Triumph Speed Triple from Sheffield to London via the A1, and back again via the M40, M69, and M1, just to prove he could do a typical day’s miles. To be fair, he completed the trip - admittedly, he walked like John Wayne for several days after, but he did succeed in his objective. The rest of us, who spent an equally hard day enjoying the mini heat wave that engulfed the UK that weekend, have taken great heart from Dad’s efforts.
During the many discussions regarding our route, Daddy has been very keen to go off piste, and ride part of the original Route 66. We suspect that he is hoping for a “girl in a flat bed Ford to slow down to take a look at him” – however, if she also happens to glance over at Boss’s beard, then it is quite possible that the magic of the moment may prove to be lost on her. Ah well – at least, as Albert Hammond used to say, it never rains in southern California, although it pours, it pours.
(It better bloody not!)
For those of you who have been fortunate to see this piece of cinematic genius, you might see a certain similarity between Boss Hogg and John Travolta’s character (Woody Stevens), or Doug Madsen (Tim Allen) and Daddy Hogg.
Well, as far as Dumpy Hogg, 49, is concerned, the rest of the Mild Hog’s are split over whether he reminds us of the Highway Patrolman, or Dudley Frank … only without the dance moves … and a bit bigger … and with less fashion sense … and … (I think they get the picture – Ed).
Dumpy is a “Pre Sales Consultant” who also “works” at the bigger and superior software company based in the East Midlands, the “pre sales” bit being demonstrated during the organisation of the trip when he did absolutely nothing, before springing into life to book a chuffing helicopter trip from Boulder City to the floor of the Grand Canyon, (and hopefully back again), before sitting down for a three week rest. We wouldn’t want to over exert ourselves now, would we Dumpy?
In fairness, Dumpy is another one of the main reasons that this trip is happening as he had a significant birthday earlier this year. Again, politeness prevents me from announcing the old gits age, but in our secret code (dear reader), let’s just say that he is “XL”. (He’s actually at least an XXL, but that would make him XXX, and I wouldn’t want to knock X years off his life. Aha! – crack that one you super sleuths!)
Like Boss, Dumpy has had a difficult run up to the start of our trip – e.g. on a recent camping holiday to Ross-on-Wye, Dumpy got stung on the lip by a wasp that took great exception from Dumpy trying to drink beer from the same can as it. I believe that this lead one wag to describe Dumpy as now looking like a “bulldog chewing the wasp that had just stung him”. Boss rather unkindly told Dumpy that the swelling on his lip was at last beginning to subside, but that it had moved to around his stomach. (Anyone else think that this trip will end in tears?)
Dumpy has joined several other, shall we say, “rotund” hogs in undertaking a crash diet in advance of the trip. Your author was lucky enough to see today’s lunch, and to be fair, it was all very healthy salad, yoghurt, prawns, fruit, diet pop, or for those who require more detail, (1) enough salad to keep the market gardening industry in East Anglia going for a month, (2) enough yoghurt to singlehandedly bring the Greek economy out of recession (3) enough prawns to (… again, I think they get the picture – Ed).
Still – it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it Dumpy?
Paddy Hogg (Nigel Crymble)
Paddy is currently a Business Consultant at the bigger and superior software company based in the East Midlands, a challenging role (unlike some that one could mention) which makes huge demands on his time. However, Paddy still makes the effort, and is renowned for his charitable acts such as helping old ladies across the road (sometimes they even want to go), and removing boy scouts from horses hooves.
To relax, Paddy enjoys playing most sports. In 2005, Paddy played a key part in the Rest of the World (formerly known as the England) cricket team’s winning of the Ashes (now - that was a good night!), and he followed this up in 2009 when he captained of the Irish Rugby team to their magnificent Grand Slam in Rugby’s 6 Nations Championship (an even better night/week/month!). Later in the year, Paddy won both the World F1 Championship and the Moto GP Championship, and after taking up golf, is currently recognised as the latest prodigy on the PGA Tour.
Paddy has also showed some considerable promise on the tennis circuit, including winning the 2010 Leicestershire Tennis Association Men’s Doubles Group 7B Championship with the Hamilton Lawn Tennis Club IV team, something which Paddy considers to be his greatest sporting achievement to date.
Unfortunately, due to contractual obligations, Paddy has had to participate in the majority of these events under a series of assumed names – perhaps the names Flintoff, O’Driscoll Button Rossi and McIlroy mean something to you - but Paddy does wish it to be known that he has never used either “Tiger” or “Woods” as pseudonyms (just in case Mrs Hogg is reading this)
Outside of the sporting arena, Paddy is himself eagerly awaiting the results of the 2010 Beard of the Year competition, although where he is sure in the knowledge that there will be at least one “beard” below him in the rankings. At least you tried Boss – unlike some!
As a result of reading this, you would like to contact Paddy Hogg - perhaps you have the need for an underwear model, or want to know the solution to Riemann Hypothesis, he can be contacted c/o Jim Mason Home for the Delusionally Derranged, Loughborough (proprietor, Dr James Mason, MA (Cambs.))
